I never allowed myself time to digest things. Truth is I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have went through with the now past events that have transpired. But I was comfortable and trusting. Looking to appease others even in compromise of my own peace. All for what seemed like seconds of nothing but numbness and motionless actions. Our bodies offered to each other as one but nothing connecting us. At the time what was happening, I saw out-of-body. Separated from my emotions, no thoughts crossed my mind, no burden constricting my chest,  I now have trouble breathing from. Even looking back all I recall is my reflection in a mirror. Unsatisfied, settled and confused. Barred and naked lied my pride, dignity and morals I once carried with me everywhere. Spilled out adjacent to where my body previously lied before a shifting of positions. Now, I know. This lesson I’ve now retained through this experience, I truly question its necessity to acquire? This journey I’m on of life is one I promised myself a long time ago that on it. I’ll take every breath I breathe, Fragrance I smell, person I see, voices I hear and things I touch as a lesson. I promised myself I would never regret but instead learn and retain these newly acquired experiences  through my senses so that way I’d recall that I was indeed in a conscious state. This of course to provide for me reassurance and calamity when I was in the manic state I predicted I would now find myself in. Yet regardless, guilt has taken over my body. Controlling every (what was) functioning organ system. Making it harder to breathe, more difficult to control my emotions and impossible to clear my mind. I don’t know if I’ll be okay or when I will be. But for now I’m choosing to focus on what I can and could be.  Moving forward, I’ve now placed a bandage over what seems to be a cut soon to turn scar. Though as I always do, I will grow both stronger and better from. I always do.

4 Comments on “3.16.2016

  1. Your words are deep. I feel deep emotion but is it me or is sadness not a factor. (Because it shouldn’t be ;-))

    Liked by 1 person

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