7.21.2016

                  I’m uncertain if I’m more a victim to my subconscious desires or my own vulnerability? Once again 7 days past I gave in to the pleasures, desires and wants of another. I know what you’re wondering what’s wrong with charity? Nothing, I suppose unless you’re the cause. I wont lie and say I’ve fallen victim, for I haven’t fallen victim of anyone but my very own insecurities’ and vulnerability. My body, actions and words defining me sharing with a few an unspoken understanding that I am invaluable & unworthy. This assumption of course matched with my behavior. Always investing but never invested in. I’m off, I’ve been off. It’s a new low, this little to no standard I’ve set as a barrier between me and others that come in contact with me. I don’t get it …. Do they see it? Do they see past this facade I’ve put up in combat of the ironically opposing perspectives of others?  Is it fake that I act in a manner opposing my very own characteristics. This of course to secure and manipulate the opinions and assumptions of others. Like how I’m always smiling, this so no one asks me questions. Or that the fact that I’m extremely friendly but ironically private and loathe every second I spend with another, rather than alone. My head throbs as these thoughts of the very opinions of others consume me. I once again have failed at my attempt to morph into another’s wants. Again, I’ve lost myself.  I don’t know what this is ? This sort of feeling of unsettledness, I don’t know who I am ? Not too long ago I was different. I had this sort of innocent purity if you will. One I gave so naively , so trustingly. The date is now the 21st of July and my list is know scripted with the names of two in a log. I’m so broken, people take advantage. Fuck society. I’ll tell you one quote that rings true for facts, is the one about people not having your heart. Once again I’ve allowed my anxiety, awkwardness, worries and concerns to climax. Once again I’ve put forth the urges of another before those of my own. Once again not only have I failed any standards society and its inhabitants hold for me but I’ve simultaneously lost all what was recently restored hope I had in society. Now, I say once again FUCK SOCIETY. 

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