To new beginnings

Nothing I do no longer holds value or significance. This place I’m in equivalent to that of a bottomless pit of despair, anger and uncharted territory.  Unable to recognize this lack of sympathy or empathy for myself. Unable to feel the weight of my sins. Unable to cry with sincerity.

All this in mind, and all I can do is ask questions. Like about once we’ve acquired what we chased ? Then what happens?  Do we just prey and hunt for new things? Seek out other desires? Why is it now a days no one fixes what is broken? Why is it so easy to walk away?

All these thoughts overwhelm me as I sit and apply them to my real life chase of happiness. Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. For the longest time that was just a thing blurred in the distance. A dim light I starred at in the dark. Just now, the very question I impose is one millions just as myself  ask. What is this thing ‘happiness‘ we’re told to spend our lives chasing? Never has it seemed obtainable. What if I went my whole life watching it from a distance.  It’s been too long, so many years, months and days, already elapsed. All because I’ve allowed it to. For so long I was desensitized. My actions heartless and body motionless. Nothing felt just numbness. It’s just now I’m realizing in place of my emotions was there numbing.

For the first time I’m  realizing it’s ok to say no with no fucks given or explanation needed. For the first time, I’m putting myself before people……. For the first time I’m finding happiness.

 

4 Comments on “To new beginnings

  1. ahhh…I too struggle with being. “happy” all the time…atleast from my own experience I’ve learned to enjoy every emotion…and not be upset when I am not feeling “happy”.

    Each emotion is like a colour to me, anger might be fire red, sadness blue, mayne happiness would be a gold (just being cliche here). Each colour is beautiful- but more beautiul with contrast…

    maybe that is like our happiness?

    Carl jung quote “no tree can grow to heaven unless its roots reach to hell” something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. To answer your question, my happiness is phased. Temporary nothing genuinely granting me true happiness. Nothing filing my now hallow walls with substance to sustain me. Nothing yet, doesn’t mean nothings to come. As I journey to ‘happiness’ I realize that means fulfilling my own wants, needs & even sometimes questionable desires. So what is my happiness now? … happiness to me now is this idea, this sort of euphoria I only dream I may one day acquire. This euphoria I imagine, is a place where no one that now circles around me is. A place I imagine that will have me lonely but not yet feeling alone. This is what I imagine will be my HAPPINESS.

    Like

  3. that was so beautiful. your visiom of happiness is a beautiful one. and so strong. just keep being you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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