I am an artist and you don’t like art, something I said when I felt that you weren’t admiring me. Something I felt when I didn’t see that spark in your eyes. Something I felt when I saw you admiring a girl passing by. Something I felt when I begged you to be kind. I’m the artist and you just couldn’t understand the art.IMG_6941.PNG

Piece By: Narcissus Petal

Social media: Instagram @narcissus_petal

“Danger has been a part of my life ever since I picked up a pen and wrote. Nothing is more perilous than truth in a world that lies.”  – Nawal El Saadawi

To my dearly beloved Sarah,

I wish I’d remembered when exactly it was we’d began really getting close. Truthfully though, I don’t. I will tell you what I do remember, I remember that I told myself to trust you. Something inside urging me to, so I did. Shortly after that we’d began giggling for hours on end about everything and everybody. For the first time I fell in love in different way.  You, first a friend, now recognized as a sister.

The resemblance in our own lives simply uncanny.  None of which I even shared with my own real sister. From home life, to campus you had taken first hours, days then weeks of my schedule. All unnoticeable thanks to the comfort and honor I genuinely been given from your company. I no longer burden with turning my back, because you always had that covered. Protecting my own name from the mouths and tongues of others, as though your own. Reminding me what our sisterhood truly is and will always be.

With every fall, you were there to bandage the scrapes on my knee. Every time I had lost hope, you had caused me to fill up my empty tank with faith that all that has happened had served purpose in its place. I, as you learning at a much faster pace, trying everything out in the world to make sure when it’s your turn, it is a much safer place. Giving you all the advice and guidance as though hand-me -downs. My every sisterly instinct now intuitive with you as a mothers is hers, her child.

Now 21 yourself it is becoming more difficult to protect you and derail you from the evils of the world and all sins. Instead I am now settled, and chose to opt for more realistic measures. Such were I sit down on the bench besides where you too once used to observe me and hope you don’t scrape your knee, the same I had mine. Hoping that all the words I have both said and written down you remember that I love you, even with scrapes on your knee. So take my advice as I had yours and trust that even in the silence, I’ll be there, not just in lingering but in form of a subtle presence of your conscious and heart. Ready on the sidelines of a game like a father in the stands cheering for his son or daughter, I too supportively cheering, every time you score. When you don’t, know I will riot with loud whispers of encouragement.

Not yet fully grown, I realize we’ll never be. Age proving to be more than just an escalating number as the years pass in representation of the growth of our friendship. This growth, on-going. Though I can not guarantee you my physical presence but what I can grant you is my verbal, emotional, mindful and loving promise that I will always be around.

                  All this said, remember and know, I too will bandage any of your scrapes, cuts or bruises and together we can weather any storm even with Gods loudest thunders.

 

                                                                                                        With much love, your best friend. 

June 24th, 16′

I haven’t figured out who you are just yet. The date today is 6.24.2016. It’s 8:13 am. I’m in my living room soaking in what was our past relationship. I really have to say, I’ve never felt lower in my life. As I sit and listen to Adele’s -All I ask song. I’m not sure if everything I’ve ever told you was more than a feeling representative of the time. Meaning, I’m  uncertain if I still feel these feelings today, right now. You’ve taught me so much.

I had to be hurt a lot to learn because sometimes the most profound wisdom happens with the aide of a lesson in love.

I don’t know what I thought this would be but one thing is for sure, I was not prepared at all for what it became. We went from a beneficially functioning relationship, filled with intellectual conversation in personal growth to I don’t even know what. It’s crazy how much I thought you were predictable or that I had known you. I’ll tell you that last stunt you pulled, sure shocked me. Although we weren’t on the best of terms, that was cold. I was hurt. I mean even though it was I who had imposed a break-up, I too hurt just as much as you.

All I wanted was be appreciated; even if that meant just giving and not receiving.   Just as Adele’s -All I ask, all I’d asked was for your honesty and that’d you spare me some of your free time but you selfishly were unwilling to warrant me even just that. With all I did to convenience and service you in your life, I’d thought maybe I was worth at least a minute or two a day.  A phone call or text where I wasn’t burdened with what you’d explained I’d done to ‘ disrupt and disturb’ your aura.

Through the course of our relationship you remained as you always are, with no conscious in your mind or barring on your heart. But that’s okay, for I had accepted that you’d been that way, so how unjust would I then be to use that against you?

As months went on and our relationship unraveled all my subconscious thoughts had become reality. Surfacing truths I had to now address, ones such as your choice to distance from me and make room for others in your life. Unknowingly to you, you had  relived me of the massive stress I’d carried being with you.

Today is now the 31st of March, marking what would’ve been our first year’s anniversary. Thankfully, it didn’t take me too long to realize who you truly are and that we’d not been compatible. I got no break from you in my head, your voice echoing all my biggest insecurities.

Luckily, getting over you didn’t take long, being you were out of sight, it didn’t take much for you to be vanished out of my mind. Somehow though, you justified in your head a need to plot yourself in front of me and make me uncomfortable with your overbearing presence in school.  Reminding me everyday of all the reasons why I disliked myself , taking me back to all our phone calls and text messages.

At the time, I naively was blind to both the mental and verbal abuse I quietly endured from you. Gullibly thinking you were ever so kind to take time and tell me how to fix myself. Later, only did I realize this very tactic just exposed you to be the one who needed necessary fixing.

Now, I observe from a distance as you attempt to find others just like me. Just as I was last March. Vulnerable, innocent and with my purity in-tact. You, the same, unchanged and undermining these chaste women’s commitment to faith. Unshaken, unlike mine was that one night in March when I had chosen to roll around in bed with the devil. I, now changed, grown and moved on hoping that everyone is stronger than me. For I just as Eve, tempted by the devils apple tree.

 

Turning Tables.

How is it feasible that someone we once thought we loved, we now feel nothing for?

How is it that when I look at you, I’m unable to recognize you standing in front me?

You, nobody I feel I ever met before.

I ask myself have I suppressed the memory of you so much so that you no longer exist?

Is it that I’ve hurt so much, I no longer feel the agonizing pain I once both suffered and endured?

Or is that in walking away from you and all that this is, has made it so that you are no longer close enough to hurt me?

Walking away, I hadn’t anticipated the possibility of having to see you ever again.

Forcing me to impose questions of curiosity, for if and when that very occasion ever arises. Such, on how I would act? Or If I should pretend to care to catch up?  Or maybe I’d save both of us from the awkward conversation, and just ignore you. Treating you as any other stranger I walk amongst in public. Perhaps you’d prefer that.

Truthfully, if I had it my way, I would re-introduce myself. For the old me, now someone I too, used to know.

I, now different from what I once was. Grown, far and distant from who you once knew. Me, unable to fathom the very idea that you and I would ever be in close enough proximity to carry conversation.

Now anxiety ridden, I sit in the dark sobbing at the unpreparedness I now allow to weigh me down.  Out of sight, really taking you out of mind.

Next time, if ever we do indeed cross paths, you’ll have remained the same. But me. I, I’ll be different. Introducing myself with the same name, but a whole new identity.

……………………………………      So tell me again, what’s your name and where are you from?

To the once innocent young girl now matured women I’ve come to know,

Faint describes my first memory of you, of us. Subsequent to that natural, loving  and honest made up the foundation of our friendship of now 9 years this September.

Her smile as broken as my heart when I see it. Burdened am I with the pain and sadness your subdued mannerisms display. From a distance nothing out of place, not even a strand of hair. Everything about her as composed and poised as her. Her, in no resemblance of me now. Her comprised of admirable bits, I now mimic habitually. I, now looking at her, unsatisfied with me. She, beautiful, smart and delicate. Ah, yes, delicate as her tears that quenched my dry hair. Every drop felt on my barely concealed shoulders. Ones you embraced that night as we cried with the low humming of Alissa Cara’s, “Scars to you beautiful” on your radio.

In that moment I flashbacked to the 23rd of August when we’d released our Chinese lanterns in the sky. This in hopes of new beginnings. Writing across them words meaningful to us in our new years endeavors. Before releasing them into the gust of wind that blew in opposite direction of the waves that calmly drifted. That day, all day in preparation of that night. It was then we’d last cried about all those who’d hurt us this past summer. Me, John and you, yours.

Pivotal was what I’d mark that day in the calendar as. From then on us both acting as each others supporters, as though we’d both known we couldn’t bear the obstacles of our own journeys alone. I, unable to carry the stress of the burdened weight on my shoulders, the same you couldn’t yours. So, that day we made a pact and promise that this day, would become plural  on our calendars. Making it so, when and if yours and John ever came back that we’d again find ourselves shore-side. Atlas, that night ended with dim light in the neighboring distance with the ignition of a lit candle breezing over the ocean. With what read bright through the light “Let go & let love”.  So we did.

 Now, fast forward to today.  You and I, no longer recognizable to ourselves this summer. Though not yet, fully matured. We’ve both noticeably grown. 

With much love, S.S

Wait don’t go, stay a while

I bet you didn’t think I could walk away? I bet you didn’t think I’d do it or that I was strong enough? I bet you thought I’d crack by now. I bet you didn’t think when you came up to me to check in, that I couldn’t see past the bullshit you’d strung together. Like your words into genuinely concerned sentences.

I don’t hate you, I forgive you,  I strongly dislike you.

These thoughts all rush into my head as you stay and wait on my response, any response, a response. One that’ll reassure you, you’d still have me feeding out of the palm of your hand. Little to your knowledge, I’d grown way too big in size for you to even be able to carry in your palm any longer. Nonetheless, I’m changed. I’m different, I now know better. So, wait, but that day won’t come. It doesn’t exist. This thanks to the strength I have today,  my now silence dictating the rest of all the next days to follow.