Yester-Past

Brown patches in the grass now replaced with artificially grown green stems. This of course in pure sake of aesthetic. Imagine a soccer field, a tennis court, a football and baseball area all in one. Over the years, my back yard was that. Filled with loud giggles of hiding children, cries from a teen who’d slipped on a lose brick and teared their mud stained jeans and today its served purpose is for those semi- annual visitors of our next generation. Had my backyard been enclosed with the four walls my home is, I’d reference a likable comparison to if these walls can talk…. they can’t.

Sunny skies, autumn breezed leaves, rainy days, and sleet field long dark and gloomy winters were our four ever evolving seasons. Poof, just like that I blinked, and gone. At the age of five, I recall when I used to jump a little while throwing the basket ball in aim of the hoop, at the time the attached net towered feet over me. Now, not much shorter than the 6 foot tall rim slightly above my head. Almost 17 years later and I now stand at 5’6 and quarter.

As the wind sways me in a front and backward motion on my swing, I play out scenes of my youth in my head. Immediately an overwhelming amount of descriptive detailing aiding me in my ability to paint imagery almost as realistic as the very recollection of my memories. My siblings, relatives, friends and myself all taking our tumbles on the grass or over our snow forts on our snow days that we later replaced in the near coming spring.

From the 90’s to 2000’s I had both ironically and unknowingly ventured through life, right here, in my backyard.

                                         To all who may come across this very piece, I urge you that you as I take in everyday of every year stimulating every one of your five senses. With my spoken word to the wise that you don’t forget to remember yester-past. Conscious that with everything you do before the nights late sunset, that you will be awoken by the next days ironically light marking of a sunrises very eerie reality. 

 

Order in the court.

Long ago I decided that I never want to grow comfortable in anyone’s inconstancies. Leading me to pursue my journey in personal growth. Questioning my identity.

Who I am?,  What I want? and who I want to be?

These questions all forcing me to reevaluate everything I once knew so well. Any and all morals, culture and sense of traditions instilled in me. Had been all I’d known, and I, had called them to trial. Examining them like defendants recalling there account of that one night in March, July and any others that would later follow.

I questioned all good that was left in me, with all my sins I’d now equated to weigh on my scale as my evils. Twenty one, I lost all I spent my lifetime guarding.

Now twenty two, I  can say that though I don’t regret, I do now know what I would’ve done differently.

Happiness.

My happiness is phased. Temporary nothing genuinely granting me true happiness. Nothing filing my now hallow walls with substance to sustain me. Nothing yet, doesn’t mean nothings to come. As I journey to ‘happiness’ I realize that means fulfilling my own wants, needs & even sometimes questionable desires. So what is my happiness now? … happiness to me now is this idea, this sort of euphoria I only dream I may one day acquire. This euphoria I imagine, is a place where no one that now circles around me is. A place I imagine that will have me lonely but not yet feeling alone. This is what I imagine will be my HAPPINESS.

Even the best fall down, sometimes.

They say 18 is when you grow up. Me. I grew up at 21. This year proving to be different than those before it. One where things I never needed to question,  I inquired about. So then , I suppose what they say about “Age just being a number” is true. For age doesn’t define experience.

This year I learned a plethora of lessons. Some taking longer to acquire than others, I learned though. I grew. I literally reference my new found growth, to shedding skin. That’s what it feels like at-least. As though I shed. I mean my self-identity is intact.

For usually when people lose a sense of self, they lose sight of who they are, what purpose they serve and what they aim to be. Me, I know the old me and am slowly learning the new parts of me. More importantly I’m taking the time to really understand why I’ve become what I am today.

I can’t honestly say that today, I love every part of me but instead that I am learning to.

To new beginnings

Nothing I do no longer holds value or significance. This place I’m in equivalent to that of a bottomless pit of despair, anger and uncharted territory.  Unable to recognize this lack of sympathy or empathy for myself. Unable to feel the weight of my sins. Unable to cry with sincerity.

All this in mind, and all I can do is ask questions. Like about once we’ve acquired what we chased ? Then what happens?  Do we just prey and hunt for new things? Seek out other desires? Why is it now a days no one fixes what is broken? Why is it so easy to walk away?

All these thoughts overwhelm me as I sit and apply them to my real life chase of happiness. Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. For the longest time that was just a thing blurred in the distance. A dim light I starred at in the dark. Just now, the very question I impose is one millions just as myself  ask. What is this thing ‘happiness‘ we’re told to spend our lives chasing? Never has it seemed obtainable. What if I went my whole life watching it from a distance.  It’s been too long, so many years, months and days, already elapsed. All because I’ve allowed it to. For so long I was desensitized. My actions heartless and body motionless. Nothing felt just numbness. It’s just now I’m realizing in place of my emotions was there numbing.

For the first time I’m  realizing it’s ok to say no with no fucks given or explanation needed. For the first time, I’m putting myself before people……. For the first time I’m finding happiness.

 

A letter to myself,

                     It’s been extremely difficult to process, fathom and digest this in all of it’s dimensions, Let alone come to terms with. I’m saddened by the manipulation and deliberate intent of the infliction of the pain you’ve caused. For that alone I blame no one but myself. For I have granted you every entitlement you’ve felt you earned. It’s with great relief that I’ve left and moved on from this, from you. From us. I realized that in leaving what I know not to be good for me. Assured, that this action alone won’t go unnoticed by the al-mighty, Al-Basir. This action alone creating the room necessary for that of which He(SWT) has planned for me. For I remembered in the peek of the a.m. hours of which I laid wide awake in bed, that “We plan, He (SWT) plans and He (SWT) is the best of all planners”. Moving forward, I have chosen to release my fist tensely clasped with regret, and have forgiven myself for Eve to has bitten the apple. As we know history always has a way of repeating itself. This time, I, no different than those once alive, in sorrow and despair before me.