Lost Souls

Today, the 25th of June. My list of my nearest and dearest loved ones, cut from 6 to 3, halved.

As the days, months and years in my life progress, I move forward with less people, burdens and stress. In direction of what I’d like to presume is in furtherance of my happiness. Letting go of people like the strings of balloons I once gripped so tight as a young girl at a birthday party. Just like back then, I now too treating this sad event as one I now more older and wiser realize is actually celebratory.

Marking everyone in my book as another lesson learned attributing them to who I am now, today in my calander of life.

The Fault in our stars

Every relationship I ever felt comfort in, I now run away from in attempt to seek refuge. Every goodbye dimming the lights of the stars I once looked up to late at night. These long relationships, all now short-lived. People I once loved, I no longer care to even reserve or save in memory. 

The black space in between these stars, reminiscent of the hurt of my pain aching down the very depths of my own black well. That very same well whose pebbles I toss down, labeled with all of which I once valued in these relationships. 

Everything and every one crumbling around me. Causing me to feel as though the walls are caving in. All whilst I sit here helpless. Abandoned. From this house which once allowed me a view, leaving me to star gaze. These stars , I now realize are the very fault in my own judgment.

I, now just as you

Odd, my tanks been empty, yet I’ve still been able to drive as far as I have. I no longer have nothing more to offer. Nothing to fill another heart or head with, but drown my own.

No more will I give, for today I am drained.

Today I move forward with no shadow anymore casted behind me. Maybe this is because the days are no longer long but short and gloomy, cold and dark like the hearts of all those that have caused mine to weigh so heavy in my chest.

Dear Good girl,

I look at you and remember me, an old me, a past me.  You walk back straight, proud and with your innocence in-tact.

I don’t envy you but instead would like to contribute my services as a reminder to you. For as Eve, I was no differently influenced by temptation. In a world filled with people only looking to service themselves. I, too servicing them.

I wish someone stopped me. I wish someone tried to be there for me, as I was them. I wish I too, was still a good girl. I’m not any longer. I now, a grown girl, a big girl, a woman.

I, no longer able to call myself a good girl.

The cost of my very own unconditionally love

You broke me down unveiling every flaw and imperfection I had, leaving me exposed.  Convincing me you cared, this in attempt to justify your criticism. I, gullible foolishly believed you. Allowing you to be my very own “Mr. Fix-it”. Truth is now looking back, you and  your “love” it had conditions, restricting limitations and times of expiration of which my heart had no intention of complying. 

Your eyes, beady and black reminiscent of that of a crow’s. Fearful, I hunched, too subconscious too stand in your presence. This in fear of judgment. Millions of insecurities flying by me like birds going south in cause of a upcoming cold winter. This, creating chaos in my head. 

So, well I guess now you’re wondering when it is I’m going to tie in my title to my piece. As I always do. The cost, in this relationship was my security, confidence, time and most important, MYSELF. Though, I can’t get back my time, already I’ve gained back more than I’d thought I’d lose walking away.

Casual Casualties

I’m not talking about the ones caught in the cross fire of a war. I’m talking about us regular everyday average Joes.

Until you become one with “society “,  you will be unaware of who is apart of it. At least this part of society. The secret society, that no one talks about unless you start that conversation.

This summer, scratch that , this year I became a new member to this society. Problem about these memberships though, are that no one tells you that they’re like tags on cows in farms. Labeling you. Constricting you. Making you, no different to the many people that pass by you on the street, in school or in public. More similar to these people in society. Is the similarity in their actions.

Everything and everybody all influenced and motivated by nothing but a temporary pleasure that leaves us all walking in opposite directions feeling empty and numb. Essentially, making it so that nothing means anything and no body means something.  

 

 

Check-Mate!

I, like any other who pass by me on my way to class. On his way to class. I, like no other. Me, just another ‘Hey’ ‘how are you’ conversationalist helping him through his day. As though we had yet to service each other both intimately and intellectually. Truth is at the time I was just that, a servant. No more, no less. Just another thing filling his 24 hour time slot , entertaining him as he got through his day. His modeled interest.

A time piece? No, more like a timed piece. He moved me through his game of life. Just as you push back and forth a chess piece (at your own convenience), only using it on your conquest to have it crowned. My piece, of course, crowned a lot sooner than others on the board. No more than in a couple months time had I felt, deeply and passionately, hate, love, anger, resentment, sadness, sorrow, interest, compassion for one being. Yet, my purpose had been filled and our fate sealed. Little to my knowledge, his chess board, like any other, required multiple crownings. This, representative of the many women he chose, mislead, and stole from with every intention but that of their own best interest. Only hoping to fill his own with.

Still today, he continues on this journey in hopes of finding that last queen to crown. Only question is how many more pieces will he have to knock down before the last is crowned?